Tips for parents

Historically, children have typically had fairly small networks of contacts, and those in the network have been known to parents: teachers, neighbors, classmates and relatives. The internet has changed that. Today, the vast majority of children and young people have contact with new people every day. They are not necessarily people that children know, but they are not people that children see as strangers either.

For parents, navigating this new reality can be difficult, not least when it comes to protecting children from online dangers. Here we try to help you deal with one of these dangers: grooming.

Learn about online grooming

To protect your child from grooming, both you and your child need to understand what grooming is.

Grooming can take different forms. However, at its core, grooming is a short- or long-term process whereby a person exploits a child’s trust in order to sexually abuse them. In general terms, the process can be divided into four stages:

Develop a friendship. The perpetrator develops a friendship with the child, for example by giving the child compliments or gifts.
Building trust: The perpetrator builds the child’s trust by being constantly present in the child’s everyday life. For the child, the relationship is often experienced as a normal friendship.
Talking about sex: Once the perpetrator has managed to build trust with the child, they start to introduce sex, for example by sending pornography to the child.
Controlling the child: In order to continue abusing the child and avoid being caught, the perpetrator often tries to make the child feel guilty and ashamed. This may include threatening to spread rumors or pictures of the child.

Talk about behaviors instead of strangers

Connecting with new people online is part of the everyday life of children and young people. It can therefore be helpful to avoid telling children not to have contact with strangers. Online, it is easy for the boundaries of who is a stranger to become blurred.

Instead, talk to your child about behaviors that may indicate that a person online has bad intentions. Below are some examples of messages that may indicate that a person on the other side of the screen is trying to groom your child.(The Internet Foundation).

“Snap?” It is common for perpetrators to try to move the conversation to private messaging apps, such as Snapchat.
“What’s up?” Perpetrators may try to build the child’s confidence by asking how the child is doing.
“Are you home alone?” Perpetrators often want the child to be alone when introducing conversations about sex.
“Send picture” It’s easy to think that a simple picture, such as a face, won’t do any harm. However, there is often more information in a picture than you think. For example, it could be metadata about where you are.
“You are seriously the most beautiful thing I have ever seen” Perpetrators often try to make children feel special by complimenting them.
“Have you ever done anything naughty?” Perpetrators may try to get children to tell secrets in order to build trust and normalize other secrets.

Talk to your child about online relationships and risks

Initiate conversations with your child about what online relationships should and should not look like. Give your child the tools to be able to stop a conversation that feels awkward. Be sure to tell them that they can always come to you if something happens, and that you promise not to get angry.

Good opportunities to talk to your child could be, for example…

When your child starts playing games online
When your child asks you to download a new app for them
When your child wants to get social media
When you have facetimed with a friend or relative

You can start the conversation with any of the following questions:

Who do you usually talk to when you play?
Do you have any online friends?
Have you ever been approached by someone you don’t know in one of your games?
Do you usually talk to people online that you don’t know offline?
What is the best thing about the web?
What is the worst thing about the internet?

What to do if your child has been exposed

Every child at risk is someone’s child, and next time it could be yours. This does not mean that you have done anything wrong, and it certainly does not mean that your child has done anything wrong. Abusers are extremely skilled at building trust with children and exploiting their curiosity.

Here’s what you can do if your child is a victim:

Take away the shame. Children who are abused online are often terrified that someone will find out. They worry about embarrassing their parents, being excluded from their friends’ groups or even being arrested by the police. When children see no way out, this fear and shame can lead to terrible tragedies.
Avoid admonitions. In an attempt to protect our children, we may inadvertently blame them for the abuse they have suffered, for example by saying “You shouldn’t have sent a picture” or “I told you not to talk to strangers”. Instead, say “We’ll work this out together” or “You didn’t do anything wrong”.
Report the perpetrator’s account to the platform. Often, perpetrators victimize multiple children and have multiple accounts. By reporting the account to the platform, you help the company behind the platform to take action against the perpetrator.
If there are unwanted images or videos online: Visit Your Ecpat to get help with taking them down. You can report all forms of suspected sexual exploitation of children to the ECPAT Hotline. You can remain anonymous.
Report to the police. Having any kind of sexual relationship with a child is a crime. A police report allows the police to take action against the perpetrator and identify other vulnerable children. It may also enable your child to obtain damages or insurance compensation.

Tips to share with your child

If you or your friends are threatened or blackmailed online, do this:

Remember that you are not alone, and that you have done nothing wrong. It is the person who is threatening or blackmailing who is doing something criminal, not you.
Do not pay. It is common for blackmailers to try to get you to pay money, but agreeing to the blackmailers’ demands will not help.
Talk to someone. You do not have to solve this yourself. Turn to an adult you trust. If you don’t want to or can’t talk to someone you know, you can always turn to BRIS at bris.se, your local girl/youth helpline or other anonymous chats.
Save everything. Feel free to block the blackmailer, but do not delete your profile or the conversation with the blackmailer.
Sign up to the platform. Blackmailers often victimize several children, and have several accounts. By reporting the account to the platform, you help the company behind the platform to take action against the blackmailer.
Review your privacy settings. Make sure that what you want to keep hidden from others is hidden. Change all your passwords to secure ones and make sure you have two-step authentication.
Report the person to Ecpat. Ecpat can also help you remove images that have been spread about you.
It will all work out. In the moment, threats and blackmail can feel unbearable. You may feel ashamed for sending pictures, or feel stupid for trusting someone. But it will be okay. It is not your fault.